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Instant Messaging, Twitter and Anxiety
Mar. 23rd, 2015 07:25 pmI usually don't think about instant messengers unless I'm prompted to. It's usually when the inevitable question of whether or not I'd like to chat or get online to flesh out a roleplay scene arises through one of my other limited avenues of communication.
It's a question I simultaneously wish I never had to face and one I wish people asked more often. My brain is a tangled collection of catch-22s.
Asking makes me uncomfortable, but only because I'm already anticipating what sort of response I'll give, or have been dreading that I'm going to be asked well before the actual question comes.
All of my past, logically-minor-but-irrationally-preoccupying social mistakes, current difficulties of various natures, insecurities no kind words can ever seem to push out, etc. etc. come up when I'm faced with the mere idea of getting closer to someone through extended, one-on-one conversation. There's always a poised tension in me that replaces the dread when I do make myself go through with it.
Even when I'm sitting there having fun, there's some element of wanting to get up and flee, but being unable to. It's a little like how people often described being claustrophobic, though not quite as intensely traumatic in the moment. Even when I come away from the chat session actively thinking fondly on what just happened, the bit of euphoria and satisfaction with having made a bit of progress eventually gets swallowed up by this recurring dread and tension.
This is, for whatever reason, lessened when I chat in an open forum. Someone on Twitter made an analogy I think sums up my preference for the 140-character medium over the long-form: "IMs feel like a ball-and-chain, and Twitter is like an ankle-bracelet."
In other words, there's a bit of perceived freedom for myself and others that makes Twitter much easier to deal with than instant messengers. Being able to respond more or less when you want, extending conversation as much as you care to through multiple tweets, not feeling stuck in front of a computer for longer than you'd like...
My preference for that dates back to using message boards over IMs when I first got into the fandom and only became clear after growing up some and finding myself on Twitter. For a long while, it seemed like the perfect answer to my social woes: it was easy and non-committal; I didn't feel left out of people's lives because I could read about what was going on; people with different interests would share what they liked and I could share mine in response. I could RP to the extent I wanted and because of the quick nature of Twitter and speaking through a smartphone to other people on a smartphone, could jump in and duck out when I wanted/needed to. To an extent, DMs also worked as a means of private conversation.
Up until recently, Twitter has seemed like the clear choice for me over getting on any IMs. All of these things seemed like immutable truths and clear-cut ways of getting what I wanted out of social interaction without having to really get more than my toes wet. Small things, but with enough times, and I'd, uh... have toes so wet it'd seem like I was in the water with everyone else? Something.
Lately, for a lot of different reasons, I've realized that the analogy I liked so much isn't entirely accurate. The advantages of being on Twitter slowly lost their blinding luster and I could see a little bit past them to the ways in which the platform can give me the same dread and tension as I find on instant messengers. More easily, in some cases.
So many similarities, and so many uniquely frustrating things. Things that I didn't see, couldn't see, wouldn't see, when I was having so much fun on the site. Example: the same sort of anxieties that make people wonder if a five minute silence is a statement of your disinterest (not knocking that, totally understand) are on Twitter, splashing like water to the "no breaks between speaking make me tired and want to hide" oil of my own anxiety.
Differences... practically speaking, you're always available on Twitter. There's no on/offline, no busy, no away, no invisible. You can write that you'll be out for a while or offline for a while, but there's a significantly-greater-than-zero chance many people will miss that. Either you're there to answer the ping immediately, or it's sitting there waiting for you, getting buried under many others as they come in atop it. You're available for everyone and there's often many reasons why one might feel trapped in maintaining whom they follow -- or otherwise. So many disagreements are public and explosive and so people like me try not to let them start at all. Things fester and become even more complicated and hard to deal with when held in.
There's so much to go into on the things Twitter gets right and gets wrong and how they each effect me in turn, but I'll get to one that was the impetus for writing my first journal here.
I'm starting to think that not being on IMs might be more stressful than actually getting on them.
I say that because of the question. The question I mentioned earlier. "Will you get online to chat?"
The feeling I get from that -- knowing that I'll come up with a reason, legitimate (in the pre-planned, conflicting with something else sense) or anxiety-fueled, to get myself out of the commitment while disappointing someone I probably really like who can't understand what it is I'm feeling or thinking, no matter hard they try -- is far worse than many things I can remember actually happening when speaking via IM. It's a pretty potent combination of depression and isolation, and it leads to me feeling pretty badly.
Part of it, I've realized, is a combination of my self-confidence hitting rock-bottom, inherent social anxieties that I've only put a band-aid on instead of properly facing, and -- possibly worst of all -- just laziness. A lack of motivation. I just think about working to build and maintain a relationship in a deeper sense and I get tired.
Depression, sure, but possibly more on me than I'm willing to admit, considering this lack of wanting to do anything applies to, well, pretty much everything. Music, games, all sorts of things, especially if it involves creating rather than consuming. Too lazy to get involved deeply, enough to make it a bright, special thing when I do so much as watch an episode of a show I like. I'll say more about that some other time, but that's the gist of it and how it factors into social anxiety.
I intended for this thing to be pretty brief and straight-forward, but y'know. I guess my point is this:
1) now that I've realized another facet of the social difficulties I face, I'll be trying to address the fact that I have to push myself to do anything I enjoy. It isn't effortless for me, but it's past time to admit that there's anything I can do that's satisfying that requires no effort at all.
2) I'll be trying to get back into chatting through Skype as a result of this effort, because the problems of Twitter are pushing me away, and IMs have advantages that temper those problems. Trying to strike a balance here, rather than one or the other.
I've run out of steam here, so no closing argument / nifty aphorism (although I love a good aphorism). Just... I dunno. I'll try to be in touch, but I'll also be trying to do more that doesn't involve typing. I'll also be thinking about whom I want to build up relationships with on deeper levels, because I've also stretched myself thin on Twitter.
Anyway, be safe and be well. Thanks for reading.
It's a question I simultaneously wish I never had to face and one I wish people asked more often. My brain is a tangled collection of catch-22s.
Asking makes me uncomfortable, but only because I'm already anticipating what sort of response I'll give, or have been dreading that I'm going to be asked well before the actual question comes.
All of my past, logically-minor-but-irrationally-preoccupying social mistakes, current difficulties of various natures, insecurities no kind words can ever seem to push out, etc. etc. come up when I'm faced with the mere idea of getting closer to someone through extended, one-on-one conversation. There's always a poised tension in me that replaces the dread when I do make myself go through with it.
Even when I'm sitting there having fun, there's some element of wanting to get up and flee, but being unable to. It's a little like how people often described being claustrophobic, though not quite as intensely traumatic in the moment. Even when I come away from the chat session actively thinking fondly on what just happened, the bit of euphoria and satisfaction with having made a bit of progress eventually gets swallowed up by this recurring dread and tension.
This is, for whatever reason, lessened when I chat in an open forum. Someone on Twitter made an analogy I think sums up my preference for the 140-character medium over the long-form: "IMs feel like a ball-and-chain, and Twitter is like an ankle-bracelet."
In other words, there's a bit of perceived freedom for myself and others that makes Twitter much easier to deal with than instant messengers. Being able to respond more or less when you want, extending conversation as much as you care to through multiple tweets, not feeling stuck in front of a computer for longer than you'd like...
My preference for that dates back to using message boards over IMs when I first got into the fandom and only became clear after growing up some and finding myself on Twitter. For a long while, it seemed like the perfect answer to my social woes: it was easy and non-committal; I didn't feel left out of people's lives because I could read about what was going on; people with different interests would share what they liked and I could share mine in response. I could RP to the extent I wanted and because of the quick nature of Twitter and speaking through a smartphone to other people on a smartphone, could jump in and duck out when I wanted/needed to. To an extent, DMs also worked as a means of private conversation.
Up until recently, Twitter has seemed like the clear choice for me over getting on any IMs. All of these things seemed like immutable truths and clear-cut ways of getting what I wanted out of social interaction without having to really get more than my toes wet. Small things, but with enough times, and I'd, uh... have toes so wet it'd seem like I was in the water with everyone else? Something.
Lately, for a lot of different reasons, I've realized that the analogy I liked so much isn't entirely accurate. The advantages of being on Twitter slowly lost their blinding luster and I could see a little bit past them to the ways in which the platform can give me the same dread and tension as I find on instant messengers. More easily, in some cases.
So many similarities, and so many uniquely frustrating things. Things that I didn't see, couldn't see, wouldn't see, when I was having so much fun on the site. Example: the same sort of anxieties that make people wonder if a five minute silence is a statement of your disinterest (not knocking that, totally understand) are on Twitter, splashing like water to the "no breaks between speaking make me tired and want to hide" oil of my own anxiety.
Differences... practically speaking, you're always available on Twitter. There's no on/offline, no busy, no away, no invisible. You can write that you'll be out for a while or offline for a while, but there's a significantly-greater-than-zero chance many people will miss that. Either you're there to answer the ping immediately, or it's sitting there waiting for you, getting buried under many others as they come in atop it. You're available for everyone and there's often many reasons why one might feel trapped in maintaining whom they follow -- or otherwise. So many disagreements are public and explosive and so people like me try not to let them start at all. Things fester and become even more complicated and hard to deal with when held in.
There's so much to go into on the things Twitter gets right and gets wrong and how they each effect me in turn, but I'll get to one that was the impetus for writing my first journal here.
I'm starting to think that not being on IMs might be more stressful than actually getting on them.
I say that because of the question. The question I mentioned earlier. "Will you get online to chat?"
The feeling I get from that -- knowing that I'll come up with a reason, legitimate (in the pre-planned, conflicting with something else sense) or anxiety-fueled, to get myself out of the commitment while disappointing someone I probably really like who can't understand what it is I'm feeling or thinking, no matter hard they try -- is far worse than many things I can remember actually happening when speaking via IM. It's a pretty potent combination of depression and isolation, and it leads to me feeling pretty badly.
Part of it, I've realized, is a combination of my self-confidence hitting rock-bottom, inherent social anxieties that I've only put a band-aid on instead of properly facing, and -- possibly worst of all -- just laziness. A lack of motivation. I just think about working to build and maintain a relationship in a deeper sense and I get tired.
Depression, sure, but possibly more on me than I'm willing to admit, considering this lack of wanting to do anything applies to, well, pretty much everything. Music, games, all sorts of things, especially if it involves creating rather than consuming. Too lazy to get involved deeply, enough to make it a bright, special thing when I do so much as watch an episode of a show I like. I'll say more about that some other time, but that's the gist of it and how it factors into social anxiety.
I intended for this thing to be pretty brief and straight-forward, but y'know. I guess my point is this:
1) now that I've realized another facet of the social difficulties I face, I'll be trying to address the fact that I have to push myself to do anything I enjoy. It isn't effortless for me, but it's past time to admit that there's anything I can do that's satisfying that requires no effort at all.
2) I'll be trying to get back into chatting through Skype as a result of this effort, because the problems of Twitter are pushing me away, and IMs have advantages that temper those problems. Trying to strike a balance here, rather than one or the other.
I've run out of steam here, so no closing argument / nifty aphorism (although I love a good aphorism). Just... I dunno. I'll try to be in touch, but I'll also be trying to do more that doesn't involve typing. I'll also be thinking about whom I want to build up relationships with on deeper levels, because I've also stretched myself thin on Twitter.
Anyway, be safe and be well. Thanks for reading.
